I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
