i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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