no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
