If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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