So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
