and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
