you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
