When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
