I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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