If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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