Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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