Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
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