And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
