nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
