i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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