thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
