It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
