At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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