I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
