i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's blow job season.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
