if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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