So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
