shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
