We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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