I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
