Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I am spending my child support on dildos
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Everclear isn't food dammit
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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