im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
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I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
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You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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