Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
