would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
