The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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