i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
