Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
