she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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