Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
