I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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