I hope my margaritas pass through security.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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