Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
