I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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