I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
