if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
