do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
