i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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