Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
