I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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