My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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