She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
