I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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