I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
