I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
How's work?
Spinning.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
