I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
