i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
