We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
