I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
