It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
