would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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