This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
