I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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