Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
