DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
